[ Svetlana Kuznetsova ]I want to die
[ Matvey ]I woke up, and I knew that I wanted to die
[ Nadezhda Mayorova ]It's all crumbling
[ Svetlana Kuznetsova ]I want nothing but to die
[ Olga Cheryomina ]Damn! Thank God she's alive!
[ Kira ]What?
[ Maria Novikova ]There's an ocean of pain inside
[ Nadezhda Mayorova ] It's horrible always thinking your child might die
[ Vitaly Buzuev ] I'd never have shared this story if it only concerned me and my son
But people experience extreme emotions and can't cope, so they harm themselves
Too many of them. They're everywhere 00:00:38.996 00:00:39.876 [ Emily LeRae Smaith ]In the United States 00:00:41.377 00:00:45.618 [ VO ]This is a record-breaking self-harmer from the US. She has half a million scars, 00:00:45.618 00:00:50.852 all self-inflicted since she was 13. Her blog has hundreds of thousands of subscribers. 00:00:52.606 00:00:59.807 In the United Kingdom 15% of 14 year-olds, just couldn’t cope and learned first-hand what ‘self-harm’ really means. 00:01:01.882 00:01:06.882 In Germany, Photographer Gordon Welters elevates self-harm to the level of art. 00:01:09.037 00:01:16.116 The 20th century was the era of revolution, the great depression, and world wars. The 21st is the century of mental illness. 00:01:17.587 00:01:27.027 Those aren’t my words, that's what therapists and psychiatrists tell us. The only question is, should we accept it as a fact? Yes, or no? 00:01:27.027 00:01:30.416 SELF-HARM – THE PANDEMIC OF YOUTH
[ Live ]Stand clear, doors closing 00:01:34.387 00:01:40.147 [ VO ]Matvey’s mother and I divorced when he was three. We haven’t lived together since then but we have stayed in touch. 00:01:42.103 00:01:48.822 I still get a lump in my throat. That’s how he looked then. This is him now. Matvey is 23
[ Matvey ]I hope your film won't start with the line: 'There's one thing they all have in common'
[ Vitaly ]I'll get a knife and fork
[ Matvey ]Is it for the camera?
[ Vitaly ]How've you been feeling?
[ Matvey ]I don't feel anything 00:02:05.959 00:02:11.078 [ VO ]4 years ago, he moved in with me and only then did his condition become clear to his doctors. 00:02:12.677 00:02:16.997 When Matvey heard that I was making a film about self-harm, he wanted to be in it. 00:02:18.750 00:02:22.750 He put on those Harry Potter glasses but without lenses just for this interview.
[ Matvey ]I have borderline personality disorder
As long as I can consciously remember, I've had this condition
I began to manifest the first symptoms at about 7 or 8 00:02:37.705 00:02:47.145 [ VO ]People with this condition have a deep fear of being abandoned; to them, the entire world is divided into black and white; they have no real understanding of who they are. 00:02:49.730 00:02:56.729 I arranged for Matvey to learn English in London, we travelled together to Japan, Jordan and Israel, I tried to get him interested 00:02:56.729 00:03:05.071 in something at least but to no avail. He neither studies nor works, and hardly ever leaves home.
[ Matvey ]This is my room. These are posters from my favourite films and TV shows
And my desk is always an awful mess 00:03:17.825 00:03:25.905 [ VO ]We’ve tried as many institutions as we could. We went to the Serbsky Centre, a crisis stabilisation unit in a city hospital. He did at least stop cutting himself.
[ Matvey ]I'm used to being on my own, and I'm comfortable feeling this emptiness inside
[ Kira ]Yes. Where are you? There's some clinic at 51 Gilyarovskogo St... 00:03:41.992 00:03:50.112 [ VO ]This is Kira. She was born in 1999. The 20th century slammed the door right behind her. And the 21st century only opened its doors a little. 00:03:50.112 00:03:55.048 But there was no red carpet for her. Yesterday, she broke her phone in a street brawl.
[ Kira ]Just to buy… OK, let's go 00:03:58.955 00:04:03.435 [ VO ]Kira has a stormy relationship with her parents. She’s arranged to meet her father today.
[ Kira ]I got a new tattoo this week. Here. It's an angel with a gun
An angel is kind, but not if it has a gun
It'll fall off soon. I like people with a lot of pictures on them
Everyone looks at them. It's cool to have attention
All the stuff going on now, I don't know. I mean it's deliberate
I want to shut off something inside of me with all this fighting, breaking mirrors and whatnot
[ Nadezhda Mayorova ]It was hell…
It felt as if a sword was dangling over my head:
'Will it fall or not?'
One could see it from childhood
She was different. That temper!
Back then, I thought it was just her nature,
and now I understand that's how the illness manifested itself
Kira's father and I broke up when she was 2 00:05:04.509 00:05:08.390 [ VO ]She’s now trying to repair the relationship with her dad and we’re going to meet him.
[ Kira ]After a couple of drinks he starts…
'I love you, I can't go on' and all that
And I look at him and think, 'For 18 years you didn't love and you could go on'
Yesterday, he deigned to call me after I told him I'd come
Sometimes it seems we have NOTHING to talk about
I don't even know how to say 'Hi' to him
Hi! Where are you?
Where are you?
Can you talk without swearing?
I see. I'm in a bad mood too. OK, bye…
We can go
I'm not even going to talk to him
[ Maria Novikova ]In our country, borderline personality disorder is very rarely diagnosed
Usually, in private clinics
Some people are born, let's say, a dandelion
A dandelion is a weed, its flower can survive in any circumstances
And then there are orchids - fragile, delicate flowers that require special attention
You're breaking up
Can you hear me OK? 00:06:31.460 00:06:37.660 [ VO ]I’ve always wanted to work out what was wrong with Matvey. I signed up for a course at a Mental Health Centre 00:06:37.660 00:06:43.160 where doctors and therapists help children and their parents. That was actually where I met everyone in this film.
There's no use scolding 00:06:54.994 00:07:00.794 [ VO ]We’re on our way to meet yet another family. We’ve had to postpone filming several times because Lera didn’t feel well. 00:07:03.309 00:07:08.990 She’s still only a child, just 15 and lives with her mother and brother. Her father left several years ago.
- Hi! - It's nice to meet you!
Cat! 00:07:13.382 00:07:16.423 [ VO ]Lera spends most of her time drawing and doesn’t go to school anymore.
[ Lera ]'If I feel drained, doesn't mean I always will.' Lots of stuff a therapist told me to write
My friend wrote this: 'If I want to cut myself, I cut paper'
And I make the best of what's possible
I took up drawing right before I entered this state, a little more than 3 years ago
[ Svetlana Kuznetsova ]Our first experience was 3 years ago, when she sliced herself with a box-cutter
It was pretty bad. We took her to hospital, she got stitches
It was the first time for us too, we didn't know how to react
[ Lera ]In elementary school, I kept to myself. Everyone avoided me
They thought I wasn't quite right. The teacher thought I was autistic
And when they got a little older, they needed to assert themselves at someone else's expense
They started bullying me
I got up the courage to stand up for myself, but it intensified
[ Svetlana Kuznetsova ]'I want to die'
'I want nothing but to die'
If someone told me a few years ago my kid would quit school,
I'd never have believed them
I get that the most important thing a parent must give, living with such a child,
raising one, is unconditional acceptance
Without an accepting environment, these kids will never get back on their feet 00:08:50.417 00:08:54.417 [ VO ]Svetlana had to quit several jobs to look after Lera. Now she stays home. 00:08:54.417 00:08:59.520 Through word of mouth, she’s well known in the neighbourhood as a professional seamstress.
[ Svetlana Kuznetsova ]It's what I love, it's what inspires me
And of course, she worries so much that I suffer because of her
But I keep saying, 'Lera, I'll cope. The main thing is that you do too'
[ Olga Cheryomina ]That's an air conditioner. It's just, Alina can't stand heat
She feels sick when it's stuffy. She can even faint if it gets too stuffy 00:09:32.431 00:09:35.910 [ VO ]It rained today so, Alina is feeling better, at least, well enough to meet us.
Off you go, sweetie
[ Alina ]My mum will tell you, I hate getting up. I'm too lazy to get up. So it is what it is 00:09:49.021 00:09:57.261 [ VO ]Alina is 20. She lives with her mother and five cats. Olga has had to rent this flat for them because Alina feels sick in the apartment that they own. 00:10:08.050 00:10:12.530 Olga often has to order meals from a restaurant because Alina can’t eat home-cooked food.
[ Alina ]I don't know what's going on and how to go about it. Is it a nasty temper or a disorder?
People think it's a nasty temper. Like, I'm a drama queen, a narcissist, all that
Yes, I eat here, I rarely eat in the kitchen
I know it's wrong, but I just have no energy for anything...
I can't even say what kind of energy I lack, physical or mental. I just don't have it
[ Olga Cheryomina ]Those who know that Alina has this disorder, they still can't fully grasp it
It's really hard to understand how one can experience such strong emotions
that it makes them want to die
How?
[ Maria Novikova ]There's a universe inside, an ocean of pain
You walk around with these burns, and it's as if someone's shining sunlight on you
Someone said something, and the whole world's against you
Sunshine? Bad. No sunshine? Also bad
And it's not even a matter of good or bad,
it's all about if I can survive this day or will I struggle?
Mental health emergency line, my name's Ivan, hello
– Don't speak for others – What would you want to say now?
How long has this been going on? 00:11:44.485 00:11:51.006 [ VO ]Emergencies can happen any time so I try to find out where someone with a borderline disorder might call if no one else is around.
[ Lyubov Ternevskay ]You could call them operators, but these people have psychology degrees,
and at least 3 years of work experience. He's counselling now, so we won't interrupt
When he cuts himself or burns himself,
he feels relief, because the pain becomes physical
[ Matvey ]So, I had this conversation with Mum one time when we met recently
'Matvey, we all think that you're a manipulator and a fake,
and your problems aren't real, that you've made them up'
At that moment, I wanted to run to the bathroom and cut my arms to shreds
The biggest problem is probably not that it's a short-term way of coping with problems
It's when you feel bad, you start to cut, you get relief,
and the pattern's reinforced
And every time you start to feel bad, you know that you have a habit,
so you keep doing it again and again and again
And when I think about it now, I want to do it
[ Kira ]I work in real estate – sales, rentals. Mostly I do rental deals, I find it interesting
That's where we used to practise. My first race 00:13:28.266 00:13:32.186 [ VO ]There was a moment when Kira seemes to find a solution to all her problems, sport. 00:13:32.186 00:13:41.587 After trying numerous options, she took up extreme bike racing. Her results were good, she was even selected for the youth Olympic team, but…
[ Nadezhda Mayorova ]Then she said it wasn't worth anything, there was nothing to it
Depressions, crises. I could hardly recognise her
She shaved her head, got a bunch of tattoos
[ Kira ]This one reads, 'Only the heart can see clearly'
This one, 'No regrets'
Well, there was a week when I cut myself, I kept cutting myself, like, every day
I call a therapist, she says, 'Again?' 'Yep' 00:14:17.942 00:14:24.103 [ VO ]Kira is making another attempt today to build bridges with her family. She’s visiting her grandma who she hasn’t seen for about a year.
[ Kira ]I have to put something on as I don't want my granny to see the rest of my tattoos
Because she just wouldn't talk to me after that. Never again
Shall we?
Raspberries aren't ripe yet…
Too early to steal them
Granny!
What are you wearing?
- Hello! Оh... - Sorry
She was always that way and always will be. Never changing
[ Vitaly ]About 10% of such children, these are figures from the US, eventually commit suicide 00:15:23.036 00:15:33.116 [ VO ]I went to the 051 centre, and caught myself thinking that people with borderline personality disorders wouldn’t look for help here, they’d rather do it on the internet. Among their own.
[ Vitaly ]This is the girl who cut herself… 00:15:35.960 00:15:43.921 [ Emily LeRae Smith ]I'm not sure how many scars that I have on me. At this point, it's scar tissue over scar tissue, different parts have been cut so many different times. 00:15:43.921 00:15:51.624 I can tell you that I've had close to 700 stitches from harm. I struggled with self-harm actively [ for ] about 12 years. 00:15:52.372 00:16:01.972 I'm not self-harming anymore. I found better coping skills, a better way of dealing with my emotion and all of the stuff, things like that. 00:16:01.972 00:16:07.914 It's going pretty well, actually. I'm very excited that I'm finally in the 'recovery' stage.
[ Lyubov Ternevskay ]The goal is not to avoid this work, but to keep ourselves busy with this work
But if you don't do the work, your life becomes easier
And you risk making it too easy, to the point of insanity
[ Vitaly ]Many times I said, 'That's it! Enough! I won't tolerate being ignored by Matvey
I won't pander to his disease, I've had enough
Especially with no resistance from him, no support
We part company, you move out. I have my life, you have yours. Enough!'
But there's a delicate balance. The link between yourself and your child
You need to salvage their life and keep yourself from falling into a pit
It's very hard
[ Matvey ]Since I'm going through one mighty crisis right now, I'd really love to do it
I woke up, and knew that I wanted to die
[ Svetlana Kuznetsova ]In this one, Lera's little. Look at her, a 3rd-grader
She has hair like mine, but she's dyed it
Such a nice girl - there was no way to tell
[ Lera ]Most of the family's money is spent on my treatment. I can't forgive myself for it
[ Svetlana Kuznetsova ]But when I talk to Lera, she says, 'Mum, you're my anchor, I keep going because of you'
[ Olga Cheryomina ]A quarter of a desktop. The laptop isn't mine, it's my daughter's
All I have left is a phone 00:17:41.822 00:17:51.463 [ VO ]The categorisation of people as the more common dandelions or the special orchids is a psychological theory that developed into something real for Olga. She’s studying to be a florist.
[ Olga Cheryomina ]Here's where I practice floristry, where I work,
where I cook. Not my idea but…
they are treated… We're dandelions, and they're orchids
They're very tender and fragile
Good day!
About my son's personal relationships, new ones,
say with a girl who also has BPD, how do I…?
– I hear a lot of your own anxiety – Yes, well today we suddenly had a situation
Put it this way: you won't marry this girl in his place. He's dealing with her…
You can just be there for him, be solid
Like, 'No matter what, you have me, you have a bowl of borscht and a roof above your head' 00:18:44.789 00:18:47.589 [ VO ]This is Matvey’s friend Nastya, She’s also 23
[ Anastasia ]Matvey and I have the same thing: borderline personality disorder and…
eating disorder with Bipolar II disorder
I've got a wide array
We have self-harm, the promiscuity issue, as they call it
For example, I don't talk to my father,
but he gives me money once a month
I'm on very good terms with Mum, but my mum's perfect
She helps me a lot, with everything, and she really loves Matvey
[ Vitaly ]She gives you full financial support?
[ Anastasia ]Yes, because I can't work. Well, I can periodically
Other times, I can't
Luckily or not, I feel no remorse, discomfort like others my age, like,
'I'm 23 and still living off my mum'
I think: 'I'm 23. I hope Mum gives me some money next week'
[ Kira ]I drew all over the walls, so they've been painted 00:19:58.763 00:20:04.363 [ VO ]Kira wanted to show us the room where she used to live with her grandma, it’s where she first thought of harming herself.
[ Kira ]It's my room. Now it's the little one's…
Grandma's stuff everywhere. And this is me
I think I was a cheerful kid. And…
Me when I was tiny. That's granny, my older sister,
that's me, my older brother
By the way, that's Dad. I think my eyes were kinder as a kid than now
It's all crumbling
What?
Thanks
Step by step, it's got progressively worse
If you want to destroy our relationship, go on
How I loved her! I cherished her
It's only been 2 months since I gradually stopped taking antidepressants
I have anger, aggression. I can't do anything about it
Yes, I live on, but my relatives are insane, yes…
– We're the insane ones? – But granny, if you only could accept me,
it would've been fine
I've never wronged you
Granny, I live the way I see fit
You live the way you want. I'll live the way I want!
Let's go
[ Matvey ]I used to have a job making coffee
But it was far more pleasurable when I was doing something emotional,
like role-playing, not making coffee
- Is there selfishness in you? - I feel as if I'm being attacked
What shortcomings do you have? Personal, not related to the disorder?
They can't be unrelated to the disorder 00:21:45.879 00:21:49.479 [ VO ]Our biggest fight was about half a year ago when Matvey went out onto the balcony, 00:21:49.479 00:21:54.980 saying he felt so sick he could kill himself. I made clear that it was his responsibility.
[ Matvey ]I'm still extremely angry with you
I should have committed suicide to make you understand you were making a mistake 00:22:10.395 00:22:15.155 [ VO ]Lera isn’t giving up. Despite the crisis, she leaves home to show us one of her favourite places.
[ Lera ]We found it about 3 years ago, walking in the woods
This is the most beautiful abandoned building
that's yet to be torn down in this area
[ Svetlana Kuznetsova ]People said, 'How is it possible? What kind of kid is that?
Grab her by the collar, kick her in the butt
I wouldn't let her lie there. She'd be back to school. I'd sort it out quickly'
Now, there are more and more kids like this. If we ignore them, if we neglect them,
we're going to have one suicide after another
Since help didn't come in time, parents got involved too late
[ Vitaly ]Today is Matvey's birthday
I've got him a present: two T-shirts, nothing fancy
He's not home, I don't know when he will be
We briefly texted. I said happy birthday, 'Thanks, Dad'
But where he is or what's happened to him, I can't say
Matvey hasn't shown up for his birthday. The gift's waiting for him, so am I
I guess that's how it all ends today
- You wanted to add something here? - Yes, I can try to finish it now
Let me give you… 00:23:31.447 00:23:35.447 [ VO ]Alina is colouring an apron pocket for her mother, she’s keeping herself busy, 00:23:35.486 00:23:40.757 and mum is her number one assistant. Today, their world is perfect.
[ Alina ]I really hope to start earning some income and not be such a useless burden
[ Olga Cheryomina ]Damn! Thank God she's alive!
[ Maria Novikova ]OK, today's our final session. Congratulations to everyone who made it
It was no easy path 00:23:58.585 00:24:03.826 [ VO ]We’ve had 12 sessions and I’m still confused. I don’t know if I can accept Matvey for what he is.
[ Vitaly ]Such interaction gives hope. Without it, everything's just pointless
[ Kira ]Daisies
Mind if I smoke?
[ Nadezhda Mayorova ]It's horrible always thinking your child might die
I'm horrified by the thought that there are so many parents who wouldn't know where to go,
where to get help for themselves and their child
[ Kira ]Actually, after I was hospitalised for the first time,
I told my mum how sick I was, and she said, 'Kira, let me come and help you'
I said I didn't need anything
I guess it hurt her a lot when I told her I didn't need her help
[ Nadezhda Mayorova ]I just want her to be happy…
Sorry…
[ Kira ]The main thing is to love myself - for me. So far, it's not working out
I love me not, I love me, no, I love me, I love me not…
No, I love me not, I love me, I love me, I love me not,
I love me, I love me not, I love me, I love me not… I LOVE ME!
- We're planning a wedding… - No, don't toy with it
I'm not! I'll explain. We want to do something wild,
embarrassing for all our relatives
Why? You'd hurt them
[ Anastasia ]For me, when I'm in a hypomanic rage, I do these things. 'What a great idea!'
I want to dress up the dogs, get into a fight -
I mean I just want to do some inappropriate stuff
[ Vitaly ]Can you describe this state to me? Explain this feeling of sickness?
What exactly is wrong? Nastya's near you, but you're still sick
[ Matvey ]Of course. I just want to kill myself, and…
that's it
[ Vitaly ]Enough, Stas, let's wrap it up... I can't go on anymore…
I'm spent, really
[ Vitaly ]Suddenly, something very important happened
How could it happen? With this diagnosis? 00:26:32.466 00:26:39.746 [ VO ]A mum wrote in our parents’ group chat that her daughter had graduated from Grenoble University and now has a degree, yay!
- Good day - Hello
She cried, but pulled herself together, and she did it
Show me how you reacted to it
We did it!